Un-becoming

I would have to say that becoming is much easier than un-becoming, and that the process of un-becoming can feel very unbecoming.

For instance, each one of us became who we are in different ways, but there are many key aspects about ourselves that we may feel as if we have just always been. You didn't have to become someone who loves others very well; you may just think that you were born that way, and you may even be right.

But as far as things that we don't like about ourselves, it feels much harder for us to un-become the kind of person that doesn't possess those qualities. After all, you’ve probably spent years being that version of yourself before finally drawing the line.

In my case, this is something I really struggle with and have worked very hard on, and will continue to work very hard at until the aspects I was trying to erase are nothing but a barely-there eraser mark on the paper of my personality.

One of these things I'm trying so desperately to unlearn is the way that I react to many things when it comes to the people that I care about, especially when they hurt me in any way. To get rid of the part of me that wants to kick, fight, and scream, and make room for the part of me that reacts calmly and kindly, with proper heart posture always.

Kind and calm vulnerability in times of high-emotion conflict is so difficult in any case, and it is much easier said than done. But it is something that I will continue to strive for, no matter how hard.

I'm sure you can understand that - we all have parts of ourselves that we’d rather not claim - but if you're still in a stage of denial about that, then you can just take my word for it.

It's a process - a pruning process if you will. One that you may think that you're doing to yourself, but in reality it isn't you calling the shots at all. Along this painful path, you will be broken down, slowly rebuild what you can, only to be broken down again - often worse than the first time.

However harrowing, that process will evidently show you that you can't do it alone. That you need faith in something bigger than yourself.

Which is exactly how I came back to my faith.

I've been some font of faithful since I was in the 4th grade, but never ever the same font that's displayed in my Bible. While God’s word is always constant, like a crystal-clear and never-changing Times New Roman, I was operating as the human embodiment of chicken-scratch handwriting: an unreadable, unpredictable mess.

I never truly saw the difference because I was never fully in or studying the word like that - no matter how much I should have been. And, God, I should have been.

While we travel down the road of trying to un-become something that we don't like about ourselves, we tend to become something that we dislike even more than the first thing.

Which once again, is exactly what happened to me.

When someone tells you that you are a certain characteristic or trait for so long, you either become it fully, or you do literally anything to prove that you aren't what they said you are.

I did the latter; trying to prove that I wasn't what they said about me. In that fruitless pursuit, I became something much worse - a version of myself that I hold great love and sympathy for, but also so much deep-rooted hurt, regret, and pain.

Growing up is so hard. Especially when you're doing so with no defining faith or purpose - you have to be walking by that faith, on purpose.

That is the roadmap to success, and without those two key landmarks, it's so easy for one to get lost on a path with no real destination or end.

I had no real goal, and virtually all that I was making was bad decisions. I had no clue what was going on or why it was all happening to me. 

From where I was standing, lacking any sort of discernment or wisdom, it felt like I was having the worst run of bad luck that a person could have:

I was so lonely, but no one that I met felt right or even remotely worked out =

• God needed me to learn to find companionship in Him first. Additionally, He knew I was in no way prepared to even be someone’s girlfriend; there were other things He needed to sort out in me first.

Even my vehicles weren’t working out, or working at all in most cases. I used to drive around the city of Jacksonville, FL finding trouble to get into, until that luxury was taken away from me and I literally could do nothing but work and focus on myself =

• God knew I had no self-control to not do the things I knew I shouldn’t, so He took the choice away from me for a little while.

You can only allow yourself to get stranded on the side of the road so many times before you are forced to take inventory of your issues and make some changes.

All in all, I just felt so stuck with no where to go or anyone to turn to. In reality, God was making me learn my lessons the hard way - since I'd proven that I was incapable of learning them any other way - and showing me that there was no earthly way I could do it all without Him.

Like I said, I'd always been some sort of faithful, but never truly made righteous through my faith in a way that I was actually walking in. Don't get me wrong, I'm still learning, but I know for certain that I am officially headed in the right direction.

I finally met God at the crossroads of His plan and what I thought was mine, and switched to His side of the road for good.

It's been a few years since then, and it hasn't been perfect by any means, but I keep showing up.

Just as He has always showed up for me, even if I didn't notice at the time, I am finally not veering off course or putting off His grace.

I was saved from a young age, and never lost my salvation (you can’t if you truly had it in the first place), but our relationship was invisible in the mist of everything else that I thought was more important.

A wimpy selfish prayer before bed is a sad excuse for a relationship with the God that deserves every waking moment - not just your literal last thought and resort in times of hopelessness.

But even if He is, or was, that for you - he still shows up - giving you grace and the chance to get it right next time.

Once I started really nurturing that relationship, my eyes were opened to a different lens of the way I viewed all of the brutal un-becoming and even generally unbecoming things in my life.

No matter how much it all hurts, all of it happened for good reason. Even if I don't fully understand it and never will; I don't need to. He knows, and I trust Him.

The seasons of Him stripping away the bad I just wouldn't let go of led to seasons of something far better: growing into the woman He had always created me to be, and He knew that I'd make my way back to Him in good time.

Even though I'm on the other side, there are still kinks that I'm working out, and probably always will be - but I'll keep trying. By His grace, I will succeed.

So, even in situations that feel like the most awful, embarrassing, and regretful moments of your life, take heart dear friend. All of that unbecoming will lead you to become something far greater, you just have to let it happen, let God, and let it go.

Until next week,

— E. Byers, author of The Grassy Laine