Trust + Pain

Where trust exists, so can pain and sorrow. They all can coexist.

This is something that my friends and I have been learning the hard way lately.

One of the most compelling feelings in life is trusting in God with all your heart, yet still feeling a bit letdown when things don’t go in the way that you expected.

This kind of pain can be very versatile. Sometimes relationships don’t always work, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes you just don’t get the job. Sometimes you’re told to wait even longer, even though you feel like you’ve already waited seasons. Sometimes things feel like a crystal clear yes from God, but a hard no from the world. Oftentimes you want something, really badly, but you’ve given something different, or not really given anything at all.

But God’s plan is always stronger than any letdown or confusion. What we are given in these moments is a valuable lesson, as we often are in every single disparaging moment in life. It teaches us to lean on Him even harder, even though it hurts so badly - especially because it hurts so badly.

For me, this has been a recent and recurring lesson. Months ago, it was over the issue of our house not selling; the waiting season was agony, but it brought me closer to God than ever before. But now, it looks a bit different.

I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree in English (Professional Writing) this past December, and I originally planned to just be done with school. Finally finished. I was so excited to just be done. But God’s callings and convictions can be placed over any sort of plan, and turn them in a completely different direction. In this case, when I felt the call and urge to pursue a new, and very different degree, I was so open to the change. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so strongly about such a big decision in my life.

With the idea that I would go back for my Masters degree in Biblical Studies, my soul felt even more on fire for the Lord than it already was. One of my greatest joys in life is deeply studying my Bible, and the idea to take it to yet another level brought me so much joy, excitement, and pride in the sense that I would get to further glorify my Father in a new avenue of my life.

As I was wrapping up my last degree, the moments that I was able to use to write about my faith were some of my proudest work I’d written so far. The notion that I would get to become even more educated in my faith, and that it would further aid my efforts as a Christian author truly excited me in a way I still feel today.

I feel like this decision and path was one made by and with God at the forefront. It wasn’t made of my own desire or ego to have another degree, but the immense excitement that I would get to continue to feed my hunger for God’s word in such an elevated way, alongside theologians that are just as deeply excited and immersed in God’s teaching for us.

But even so, there have been a fair share of road blocks and obstacles.

To be fully honest, I was proud that my first thought was:

“Okay, wow. That definitely throws a wrench in my timeline, but there must be a reason that God is making me wait. If it’s right, God will make it happen in His time.”

During the initial shock and disappointment, I really did my best to keep my head up and react in a spiritually composed and trusting way. I know His word, I know His plan is better than mine. I really do.

But the not-so wholesome and not-so helpful thoughts came not too far behind. The self-doubt and the pain were on the edges of my brain, just waiting to creep in; they’re old friends of mine, unfortunately.

I just couldn’t fully comprehend why there would be such disorienting obstacles in the way of me literally just trying to further my Biblical education in order to help me become a better writer in the faith-based avenue I wanted to pursue.

It started as a delay in admissions due to missing requirements and clerical issues from my last college, to talking to my Pastor and having to take an entirely different path with the college I was planning to study at. It all began to feel like an unobtainable mess.

For just a second, I let other people’s doubt of this plan affect my confidence in myself and what I know is God’s plan for me.

But over the past few weeks of wrestling with this pain, I think that I finally found solace in the simple idea that I can still trust God with all my heart, and be hurt and confused by the things that He plans for me all the same. It will never mean that I trust Him any less, but I can still feel disappointment and lean onto Him for comfort in those times.

It all makes me think of a few verses from Proverbs, where Solomon explains to his son that God’s reproof - or in my case, a gentle yet immoveable redirection - is just a tell-tale sign that God loves you enough to make your paths perfect in His way. He will bring you back to the path, or the timeline, that He has planned for you to be on.

“My son, do not despise the LORD’S discipline

Or be weary of His reproof,

For the LORD reproves him who He loves,

As a father the son in whom he delights.”

PROVERBS 3:11-12 (ESV)

God is big enough to handle everything: our feelings of deep trust and deep confusion. He wants the very best for us. He has always been faithful to me, and I’m going to continue to strive to be utterly faithful in return, no matter the circumstance or altered timeline.

Sometimes the perfectly paved and planned paths that we make for ourselves, even if they feel a bit anointed, just aren’t right. Even if the path He has chosen for you feels more like the road less traveled, there are sure to be so many beautiful things that you run into along the way that you could have never even anticipated if He didn’t love you enough to let you veer off course and into something even better in time. Let your faith and your trust in Him be your map, and a light to your feet along the way. Your pain and confusion can still tag along, but never allow them to guide you.

Until next week,

— E. Byers, author of The Grassy Laine