Present, Not Perfect
The past few weeks of the Weekly Pages have been a bit retrospective and reflective, but we're gonna switch it up a bit this week. I pride this blog on being raw and real, and I don't think there's anything more raw than giving you an overly-honest update into the feelings and things that I’ve been struggling with lately.
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The short update of my life lately is that I've been keeping myself ridiculously busy. Don't get me wrong, it's been wonderful. I love being involved in the things that I love: church services and events, family time, and taking care of our home and horses.
All had pretty much been smooth sailing until this past Sunday.
I was so nervous because it was my first day singing in the choir at the Sunday morning service. At our church, it's a super traditional service - the choir wears robes and everything and we have a full orchestra.
Now, I haven't sung in such a setting since early high school. In my head, that doesn't feel like too long ago, but in reality, it's been over eight years. Therefore, I was a bit rusty in terms of pitch, harmonizing, etc. AKA - everything that matters in this situation.
Even so, I was so excited to be singing again - to be involved in general. I love singing in praise of the Lord, and it's something I'll never apologize for; whether it sounds good or not.
I was slightly discouraged after our first practice because of how out of practice I was, but overall just excited to be included and serving God in such a beautiful way.
Sunday came around, the service came and went, and the discouragement smacked me in the face again at alarming speed, but this time on stage in front of at least a hundred people.
I felt unqualified. Like a stranger. Like someone who didn't deserve to be up there.
But I just kept trying so hard. Yet I still felt like a hopeless failure.
And in some ways, I did legitimately fail.
A quick tidbit about me that no one asked for is that for some reason I have such a hard time hearing people on a regular basis, even if they’re right next to me. Supposedly there's nothing wrong with my ears, but I don't buy it.
My qualms about this issue were reaffirmed as we were on the stage during the service, preparing to take communion, and I couldn't hear ANYTHING that our pastor was saying as he directed us through it.
For those who don't know: most pastors will say a quick speech about the significance of the tradition, and guide the church body as to when to break bread and drink the wine / juice.
Apparently, the lack of being able to hear the speaker clearly from the stage is an issue for everyone, but made worse by my own inability to hear anything even in proper circumstances.
These two problems meeting each other caused me to mess up the way I took communion. I ate the bread minutes earlier than everyone else because I thought I saw the woman next to me take it. (I decided to rely on my vision since my hearing obviously wasn't cutting it.)
Come to find out, she just moved a hair out of her face - but by that point, I had already eaten the bread.
None of this is world-ending, but I was so embarrassed. I was literally front and center in the choir - directly behind our pastor's right shoulder. This means that in our church's livestream that they do every Sunday, there is a crystal clear video of me messing up, and being visibly embarrassed and red about it on a zoomed-in shot. This same shot was also on the church’s two big screens in service.
I just felt so stupid. I still do.
All I was trying to do was please God and make Him proud, and I felt like I had just done every single possible thing wrong that morning.
I let my anxiety get the better of me the moment I woke up, and it quickly cascaded out of control.
After we finished singing, I'm not too big to admit that I cried in the bathroom for a bit before returning to the service.
Now before you think, "Emalyn, this sounds a bit dramatic", pour me a little grace and understand that my life has been a lifelong battle with perfectionism and religious OCD. I'm doing the best I can, okay?
But then I did the best thing I could do in situations like these: I just prayed about it like I typically do, and reaffirmed to myself that I put myself out there in order to please God & God alone. He is a loving Father, and surely not going to cast me away or be disappointed because I took communion too early.
I tend to confuse my own disappointment in myself for God's probable disappointment in me. Especially when I mess something up in terms of my church involvement or my faith.
Remember earlier when I wrote that I was just doing my very best?
That is literally all God wants from me - from any of us. Our very best, for HIM.
As I sat there crying and praying, I eventually felt like that little voice - you know the one - reminded me that "You did it for Me. You did just fine."
With all that, I just want to ask y'all:
When was the last time you royally messed something up?
Was your heart posture in the right place?
Did you do it for the right reasons?
If the answer is no to any of them, there is always next time. There is nothing that He won't forgive you for or love you through. You need only call on Him, repent, and cast your troubles on Him.
Whether you do that in the church bathroom fully robed, or in your home or anywhere else like a normal person is up to you. He doesn't mind either way.
For those who may be wondering, if anyone - I am going to sing again this Sunday. Though I am utterly mortified, it apparently wasn't enough to really get me down.
It sounds a bit silly, but if you ever find yourself in a scary moment where your anxiety feels like it's going to literally suffocate you, repeat scripture over yourself, reaffirming God's word and promises to you.
For instance:
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:13 (ESV)
“No weapon formed against you shall prosper [...]” - Isaiah 54:17 (NKJV)
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
Additionally, the main passage that really helped ease the anxiety I was harboring regarding this situation in particular:
“I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.”
- 1 Timothy 1:12-14 (ESV)
In the end, none of us are qualified to serve the Lord in the way that He should be served - perfectly. Like Paul, we have all been opponents of God in one way or another. But even so, we find ourselves in positions to serve and praise Him in ways that are connected to the individual gifts that He’s blessed us with. Those positions are exactly where He wants us to be.
We’ll never be able to serve Him perfectly, or even be close to obtaining a perfect relationship with Him, but what we can always keep doing is giving Him our very best. He deserves absolutely nothing less.
Fortunately for me, I know that God would rather my sincere mistakes and small slip-ups over a perfectly polished performance that lacks true heart. I may never be the perfect second soprano, or even be able to take communion at the right time, but He’s not asking me for perfection - He’s merely asking for my presence, praise, and love. Even if I make a bit of a fool out of myself in the process.
And that - that I can do.
Until next week,
— E. Byers, author of The Grassy Laine
^ photo evidence
This was me trying to (poorly) conceal my mistake and to not cry in the process. In doing so, I highlighted my mistake, naturally.
