Off-Kilter
Hey y’all! I promise that I didn’t go fully MIA last week.
If you follow the instagram account for The Grassy Laine, you would have seen that I posted that I’d be taking the (previous) week off from the routine posting of the Weekly Pages to focus on unpacking and also trying to rest from this whole move.
In the midst of preparing for this week, it dawned on me that not everyone who reads this may know about or follow the instagram account. So if that’s you, and I accidentally left you in the dark as to why there was no new edition last week because there was no announcement made here on the actual website: I’m so sorry. I’m still figuring this whole amateur blogger thing out.
Until then, please be sure to follow the blog page on Instagram if you have one:
@thegrassylaine | https://www.instagram.com/thegrassylaine/
Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
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A lot has happened in the past two weeks. I was finally able to sell my horse, Palmetto, and now I only have my older gelding (a true light of my life) Aristocrat. She was such a sweet horse to have, but it’s been such a weight off my shoulders to be able to downsize the herd a bit since we have so much other things going on.
We are also fully moved into our new place. The actual moving was much easier this time around than it was moving from Georgia to Virginia because this time I actually had my husband here to do most of the heavy lifting. As well as the help of one of his really good friends. It was such a blessing.
The new place has been perfect for us so far, and I’m almost done unpacking. I’m pretty worn out so I’ve been dragging my feet on dealing with some of the unnecessary final touches for now, but I’ll get there eventually.
Within the first week of us moving in, Samuel had to leave for training for work for the next two months. Convenient for him, I know - lucking out by leaving before the job is even done. I’ve given him some light-hearted grief about it, but I am just grateful that he was here to do what he could.
(Prayers for him and everyone else at this training would be appreciated!)
While we’ve been dealing with things here, there have also been a few different issues that came up with the house in Kingsland that I’ve had to take care of. I have to admit that sometimes God’s perfect timing can feel more ironic than anything.
My heart trusts in Him more than anything, but my mind tends to have different ideas. So when that perfect timing turns out to be less than ideal for what I wanted to happen, doubt and dismay try to creep back into my mind like the unwelcome visitors that they are.
On top of all of that, Walter’s birthday is in 10 days. I cannot believe that he’s about to be three years old. It has been simultaneously the longest and shortest three years of my life.
In light of everything that’s been going on, I’ve found myself in a really weird place mentally if we’re being honest. Which here at TGL, we always are.
Everything has felt so upside down.
My usual morning hour of Bible study before the rest of my responsibilities kick in has become a few minutes here and there where I can spring it, or just reading a chapter or two on my phone before bed.
While there is nothing terribly wrong with that, it has left me feeling so off.
I’ve found that the days like that - when I don’t get that time to spend with God that I’ve learned to cherish so deeply - always leave me feeling ungrounded, more mentally ill than usual, and just in general, worse for wear.
That may sound dramatic, but when you’ve spent the last year + of your life devoting yourself to that kind of precious time spent in His presence, the days without it feel disarming and off-kilter.
I’ve been overly irritable; ready to lose my mind at the mere notion of another inconvenience to deal with. Anxiously waiting for other shoes to drop; what’s gonna happen with the house next? I can’t seem to focus on anything because my mind can’t stop dwelling over all the boxes surrounding me - torn between not having the energy to deal with them, and not having the mental capacity to look at them for a second longer. Yet I’ve been choosing to just rot on my phone instead of truly dealing with any of it.
I’ve felt like a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad steward of my responsibilities, and most importantly an awful child of God.
I don’t feel like I keep it much of a secret that I really struggle with mental health - OCD specifically.
So for me, this struggle with my routine feeling off sends me into a bit of an internal argument and struggle with myself.
The way that I habitually Bible study can be seen in a few ways:
It genuinely shows my devotion to God, and my pursuit in trying to learn more about Him while pursuing deeper faith.
It brings me great peace, and allows me to start my day with my best foot forward.
Lastly, the way that I choose to ignore at great lengths:
It’s almost become a bit of a compulsive habit.
When I don’t commit to that habit daily, even if I only miss a single day, my brain falsely convinces itself that I have absolutely disrespected God and that I’m an awful disciple.
Which leaves me with the harrowing realization that at some point, my OCD-riddled brain has begun to entangle my intentions, slightly altering that beautiful time with my Father to become more about routine than relationship.
I’ve learned to truly covet my relationship with God, but somewhere along the way the lines have become blurred.
That time I am blessed to be able to spend with Him, nose deep in His word, should be Holy - not compulsory.
It should be disciplined - don’t get me wrong. But it should also be something that’s enjoyed for the right reasons, with proper heart posture. Discipline deepens relationships when it’s built on His firm foundation, rooted in true desire and love for Him - not fear or compulsion.
Ultimately, it leaves me with a big question:
Am I choosing to spend this time with Him because I love Him, or because I’m terrified of disappointing Him as much as I disappoint myself?
I would say that I’m a relatively intelligent person.
I’ve always been a huge reader. When I was a child, my parents grounded me by taking my favorite books away.
With that in mind, you would think that I’m smart enough to be able to sort this kind of stuff out without losing my mind in the process.
You would think that with all of the time I’ve spent carefully reading and annotating God’s word that I would understand one of the key components to the solution of my issue:
My self-criticism is heavy, but there is nothing greater than God’s love for me - through everything. Even this. Especially this.
When that darkness tries to encroach on the light, we must be diligent to understand the distinction.
Hold the line.
Until next week,
— E. Byers, author of The Grassy Laine
