Florida - part 2

As expected, Florida has been an interesting time so far.

I love it here.

I love it so much that I almost hate it here because I can’t stay here.

Since I promised, I guess that I should probably mention why I left in the first place, and what brought me here long before that.

In my “Behind the Pen” bio, I mention that I’m a Georgia girl, and I’ve been there since I was in second grade. But after graduation, I joined the Navy; boot camp didn’t work out exactly as I planned (a story for another time), so I ended up moving to Florida once I got back.

My brother let me temporarily move in with him - I had no plan, no nothing. Just a box or two of my stuff and a lot of motivation.

One thing led to another and I ended up finding a job as a full-time nanny for the most perfect family, but I still needed a place to live. I wasn’t making quite enough to get my own place and wasn’t sure what my next move was.

Then a job ad for a live-in position at my dream barn quite literally fell into my lap (inbox on facebook messenger). I believe it was actually my brother’s roommate that sent it to me - whether he wanted to help me or just wanted me out we may never know haha. But either way, I was grateful, because I eventually got the job and that single courtesy towards me changed the entire trajectory of my life as I knew it.

I had basically been a full-time horse girl since I was sixteen, and had worked at a small lesson barn while I was in high school, but never at a barn of this prestige and magnitude. I was so astonished that I’d made it there, and felt blessed beyond measure. 

The position came with my own house on the property, plus additional salary.

Think about it: you place a nineteen year old in their own three bedroom house (rent-free) in the heart of Jacksonville, Florida - I couldn’t have found a better situation if I tried.

I had everything: two jobs I adored that kept me busy, I got to actually step into an advanced role of the equestrian caretaker career that I wanted to pursue. I kept the nanny gig going during the day for a while, and only ran the barn on the weekends, until the barn offered me a bit of a step-up role.

But even when I was still working them both, or when my hours upped for the barn, I somehow still found enough free time to get into a bit of troublesome fun. 

I made so many friends and memories that I’ll never forget.

There is a certain metamorphosis that occurs when you’re back in a place that still holds such a big piece of you. As I drive through these streets and visit old haunts, I can't help but collide with past versions of me, and that nostalgia furls itself into my brain until that realization forces me to morph into something new entirely. 

While that may appear dramatic to most, there is a beauty to being able to recognize change in such a way, and nostalgia is a nasty beast toward a bleeding heart.

Because in looking back, I’m able to recognize just where everything changed in a different light, a less resentful light than I’d been viewing it through the past few years. It’s so easy to see what you may have lost, even in the direst midst of everything you gained in the process.

When I was here - when I was in it - I met the love of my life when I had no intention of finding him, and everything changed. I didn’t feel ready to be someone’s girlfriend, much less their wife when I first met him. But even so, everything shifted almost immediately. 

I tend to look back on Florida as a place where I found freedom, and where it eventually got taken back in some ways, but if I were to look at it honestly - I found so much more than that.

It was the greatest stepping stone of my life. It prepared me for so many things: the real world, the responsibility that comes with freedom, and the rest of my life. I found freedom, I found myself, and most importantly I found love. Not just for what would become my husband and eventually our son - but for myself in a way that I’d never experienced before. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been as confident in myself as I was in those days, until this past year when I allowed my self-worth to truly coincide with my God-given worth that I faithfully know I have now. 

If only that version of me had that realization back then - I probably would never have stooped as low as I did to find the worth and confidence I was looking for. As many of you probably understand, hindsight is 20/20; but personally, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Even the most embarrassing parts of that era of my life are funny stories or lessons learned the hard way that I’ll be able to tell my kids about in due time … that is, after they aren’t teenagers anymore - I wouldn’t dare give them any of my not-so-great ideas. But I guess they sounded pretty great at the time, didn’t they?

With all of that in mind, one may wonder why I ever left; it sounds like the most dream-worthy situation for someone like me, doesn’t it? 

As I mentioned, everything changed when I met my husband. Everything.

I changed, my goals changed, my heart changed in a way that can only be described as for the better. I became softer, kinder, less hardened to the ways of the world as I was currently learning it.

Never had I met someone so unchanged to the crassness of the world around them, that loved me in the midst of my chaos, and wanted to just be there with me for it all until I figured it out - and I always do.

Even recently, this has been something he’s always said to me in times of trouble and uncertainty:

“It’ll be okay. You figure it out -  you always do.”

One of the things I so greatly appreciate about him is that he doesn’t try to figure it out for me. He always stands by me in steadfast support, waiting until I’m ready or when I’m ready to admit that I can put my pride aside and ask to not carry it alone anymore.

I was so greatly enjoying that season where I could do everything alone, until he came along and showed me that I didn’t have to do that anymore. I thank God every day that he had the patience to stick around while I figured that out.

That subatomic collision of space, time, and seasons of my life turns me from a hard-headed girl to a woman of her own right: a wife who is still learning to carry herself with softness while never letting the fire of that girl die.

Life is such a funny thing, but God knew exactly what He was doing with me.

I had to leave to move into an even better season of my life: motherhood. But Florida will always be where everything fell into place - where I fell in love.

So even though the nostalgia of being down here can feel like a knife to the heart, that pain can be the perfect reminder of how wonderful it is to feel, and to change. 

Here’s to all the versions past that you may not be quite ready to let go of, and the realization that taking a second to sit with them sometimes may just bring you the closure that you so desperately needed.

Remember, even in the darkest nights, that Georgia / Florida sun will always come back up again, God-willing and graciously. No matter which side of the line you’re on, or even if you feel like you’re fully ready to let it go - you can always find your way back home.

Until next week,

— E. Byers, author of The Grassy Laine