Back on Track
Long time no see– or type, I guess.
I swear that I haven’t purposely been ignoring you guys.
Life has been… a LOT. I’m sure you all can relate.
I’ve been posting updates when I can to the TGL Instagram page (@thegrassylaine). It’s the easiest way for me to share quick notes and updates to my readers instead of drafting up and posting an entire piece just to pass along information. So if y’all don’t follow the instagram page, please do!
For those who don’t, I shared back on September 9th that we wouldn’t have a new piece due to my husband’s birthday festivities that fell on that Wednesday. I posted per usual on the 16th, but for the weeks of the 23rd and 30th, there were no new pieces due to the loss of a very close family friend. Our family has been grieving, and consequently had to take a last minute trip to Texas for the funeral, and I didn’t have the time– or the words– to write just yet.
We got home from Texas after being there a week, and I’m still so exhausted. Because of the last-minute nature of this trip, there was no way we could afford the outrageous flight ticket prices out there, so we decided to just make the drive.
And then on October 7th, I had to drive up to Pennsylvania to pick our son up from staying with my Dad for the week while Sam and I were in Texas.
All of that to say: September and October have been heavy, overwhelming months, to say the very least.
I really don’t even know where to start. There are no good or correct words to soothe, explain, or cure what we just went through– specifically for my husband, and the immediate family and friends of the loved one lost.
I do know that mental health is something that should always be taken seriously. Something that should never be ignored, stuffed down, or put off.
The stigma surrounding mental health is one of the biggest issues with our society– especially with men, and even more so with men who serve in the armed forces and other public service jobs. That stigma will never disappear overnight or in the aftermath of a tragic loss, but how we respond in these moments is still a critical step.
Talk to your friends and family if you’re struggling. Talk to them even if you’re not. Most importantly, take those feelings, all of your issues and grievances, to God in prayer. I promise He’d rather have you coming to Him angry and confused so He can comfort you than not being in a relationship with you at all.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve gone to Him with a lot of confusion, frustration, and discontent recently. This past month or two has felt like a non-stop, never-ending ticket on a train of grief and anxiety– like I haven’t stopped moving but I’m completely off course from where I think I should be.
I haven’t been in my Bible like I should be. I’ve either been unable to find the time or far too exhausted to even consider pulling out all of my Bible journaling supplies and spend what little brain power I have left.
My OCD really takes hold of my brain when I get into ruts like this, making it a frustrating mental block to break out of. I still feel pretty chained, if I’m being honest. I desperately want to be disciplined, but it feels like things just keep coming up to take me out.
All of that to say— the spiritual warfare has been heavy.
Thank God I know the truth, even when it feels hard to live out.
I feel distant from Him right now, but not in a way that makes me turn my face from Him. It’s more like I’m running toward Him with what little strength I have left, and every time I take a step forward, I get knocked three steps back.
Yet I can still see Him in my mind, waiting there patiently for me with outstretched arms.
And every time I call on Him, He gives me the grace and strength for another little step.
It’s not easy and it never will be. But I’ll keep on trying until I make it to Him– until things feel steady again…
Until I’m back on track.
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Thank y’all for bearing with me and my absences during this difficult time. I’m truly praying that things will start to feel more balanced soon– for all of us.
Until then, I do want to announce that I’m planning on taking a bit of a step back from the Weekly Pages. Instead of posting a new piece every single week, we’re going to shift into a new schedule where a fresh piece is posted every other week instead. I’m running on empty, and I don’t want to give you half-hearted and diluted work that isn’t my best. I don’t think that this will be forever; just until I feel better rested and inspired.
Thank you guys for giving me the space to be human, to grieve, struggle, learn, and to take my time coming back to this screen. I’m truly grateful for all of you that take the time to read and support this little endeavor of mine. It doesn’t go unnoticed, and it never will.
Until next time,
— E. Byers, author of The Grassy Laine
